So I am waiting.
Waiting for GOD to reveal what HE wants me to do next.
When I started walking the camino, it was really because I had been denied a job opportunity which I had thought had been according to THE LORD’s calling for me.
I was shocked.
And very sad.
I had it all planned and figured out.
And since I didn’t know what else to do and also, since I felt it was what HE wanted me to do instead, I decided to fly to Spain and “walk it all out”.
You all know the rest of the story.
At least up to now.
I still believe the desire to do this job I had been applying for was what GOD has put in my heart to do for HIM, it is a Christian job, a sacrificial job for a charity.
Actually, there were 2 jobs.
One I felt was “my job” according to my heart’s desires and suitable to what I believe my gifts and talents are.
A little out of my range of experience, so I did not apply for that one, but my entire being cried out “that’s me!” when I read the job description.
I applied for a different position within the same charity, one that would be more matching my current skills and experience in that field.
So what happened was, I got declined for the job I applied for, at least for the moment they said, but they also said they would like to open up a dialogue with me for another time… and what also happened was, I found out a few weeks ago, when I was still walking, that the job I truly resonated with got readvertised.
They obviously hadn’t found anyone for the position for whatever reason… providence?
I asked them to consider me for that job and switch my application to that one, to the one job my heart is calling me to do and to which I truly feel I could do and do well.
Well, I haven’t heard anything yet.
Which is also not a “no”, so they are at least considering my application.
And this waiting time is pure torture!
Also, it is the most interesting and humbling time.
I came to see that these periods of waiting for a change or for an answer from someone or about something soooo dear to our hearts are the most precious times, bittersweet reminders of how we totally are never, ever in control of even the slightest, tiny little aspect of our lives – and how we SO love to believe that we are.
Really, I have been praying and begging and reasoning and asking and asking for signs and explaining why I HAVE TO get this job and that it really isn’t for me, but for HIM that I would want it – which is really a stupid reasoning, of course part of ME, of my ego likes to see me in a “good”, honorable, noble, charitable, sacrificial job instead of in a random, ordinary job (like the one I have now), one without meaning, of no importance or significance or use for HIS kingdom really, all it does is it helps people make money and enables me to pay my bills, too, that’s all it does, just like any other ordinary job.
I have to be honest and admit that I want to rise above the ordinary, I don’t want to be ordinary, at least not an ordinary Christian, I want to be a special Christian, one who would find favor in HIS sight, one who is unmistakingly recognizable as a Christian by everyone all the time, especially during their working hours! I want to be able and allowed to talk about HIM all the time, to not having to hide my faith and yes, I would be proud of such a job!
Is it a sin to be wanting to work for GOD?
Is it vanity to be wanting to do good for HIM?
Matthew 6 comes to mind:
Matthew 6(KJV)6 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
3 But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
4 That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.So is that the reason why I want to do it?
So that everyone could see me do it?
I must be really honest, I do like to see me from the outside working for a charity and I also do look forward to the satisfaction of my soul that comes with working for GOD and I am willing to sacrifice a lot of earthly things for this, especially material wealth or a higher standard of living, because I won’t be able to afford it…
Does that make my motives wrong or earthly or ungodly or selfish?
Or is this part of the reward which is supposed to come with these jobs?
Isn’t it what THE FATHER himself is asking us to do?
To do good, to spread the good news, help the poor and needy?
Are we not supposed to do it for a living and are we not supposed to receive (a small) salary and/or respect from our brothers and sisters for it?
Now that would mean that HE doesn’t approve of anyone working in charity jobs, which I simply can’t believe… can you?
What this waiting time does teach me though is that there is no excuse for me to wait until I work more for HIM, even in a regular, random job… starting this blog for instance is something I can always do, hoping to bless people with what I publish here, hoping to inspire them or maybe spark some godly fire in them to do something or even think about something they haven’t thought of before… also, when doing a random, regular, ordinary job, I will have more spare money to do some charitable things with myself, give it to projects I consider worth supporting – perhaps I will even come up with some ideas for charities I can start or fundraise for… and last, but not least, I found that the time of searching and asking and knocking and begging is a dear time with HIM, for HE is strong in my weakness.
2 Corinthians 12(KJV)
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
And really, this is what these waiting times really remind me of.
Not only am I helpless in this particular situation, but also, sometimes, looking back, it was so much better for me what HE wanted for my life than what I wanted for my life.
HE knows best and HE will do HIS will.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do.
Not regarding the thing I am waiting on, because it is all in HIS hands.
And so is the rest.
All of my life.
All of all lives.
And that is something to marvel in… thank you, LORD, for reminding me of your grandeur, of your vastness and of my small and limited abilities and thoughts and of my tiny capacity.
I am grateful that you, the one who knows it all and has it all and can do it all, loves me, cares for me, controls all of my life and has me in the palm of YOUR hands, where I am safe at all times and sometimes, where YOU even save me from myself, from my tiny little me. Thank you, FATHER. In JESUS’ name I pray. Amen.
How about you, my friend?
Have you waited on the answer of a prayer or a petition you asked of HIM?
What did you find while you waited? Can you share some of it with us?
I hope and pray that this would inspire, heal, comfort or amuse you. And that THE LORD may bless you richly in all areas of your life, that HE may keep you and shine HIS face upon you. In JESUS’ name I pray. Amen.