The first half of my camino is almost complete.
Could be a reason to be proud or glad – I’ve walked more than 300 km for THE LORD already…
Yet, my condition is not good, not good at all.
Neither physically, nor mentally or emotionally, if I am honest, I must say I am quite miserable and I had hoped to be much further by now – in all possible ways.
Further with overcoming old pains, further with adjusting to the extreme physical demands of hiking in this weather, further with coping with the hardships of this walk, further with inspiration about the future…
Further along the way.
I am still SO sad and so dissapointed about the failure of my plan for this year. I had planned to work for GOD. To have a ministry. I was so certain that this was THE thing GOD my father had called me to do. And I totally cannot understand why it didn’t work out, why I was declined.
The thought of having to go back to my old job after this walk makes me want to die.
I don’t want to live there anymore, do not want to do this work for these people anymore, it is too stupid and also too fake in so many ways – and this place, there is nobody I can relate to there, not even a church I can attend…
I was so looking forward to moving to a place where I would be able to find and join a group of likeminded believers!!
I don’t even know how to go back there – it will be SO hard, the thought of seeing these people again… I wanted to change my entire LIFE!
I don’t see any change yet.
On the contrary.
All I can see is more and more junk from my past bubbling up. An endless fountain of mud. All these memories… if I didn’t know how old I am, I would really be amazed how a person can gather so many bad memories in their brain… and they are coming and coming and it seems to never end… neither does the physical pain all over my body…
What I do, in fact, all I ever do, is pray, read the bible and proclaim scriptures, sing, praise, worship – and it is nice in a way to have all this time to do so and that is something I really like about this experience – and it does bring me closer to HIM and of course, I like that, too! It is probably the only way and setting to entirely, totally and exclusively dedicate so much time to GOD and that IS something I really, really LOVE!!
Other than that, I am weary and tired and hurting all over.
What it shows me though is how hard it must have been for the Israelites when Moses lead them through the desert for 40 years and they were walking with all their belongings every day, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year – and here I am, tired and grumpy and discouraged and frustrated after having walked and not arrived somewhere better after not even a month!
What I have learned so far is that without HIS grace, NOTHING will work out. Without HIS grace, I will not even get to my next destination tomorrow, will not even wake up tomorrow morning – neither will you, my friend, none of us will see another day, only by HIS grace will we ever live another day!
Sometimes, I am not grateful for seeing another day. Not under these conditions I live under… but I do get how vast and huge THE ALMIGHTY actually IS and how tiny I am and how limited and how so not in control of anything at all…
Maybe this is the plateau before a huge breakthrough.
Maybe all this old gunk is being walked away.
I sure wish it was!
Will keep on walking anyway. And even though I am not sure I’ve been an inspiration or healing or amusing with this one, I still pray that THE LORD may keep you, my friend, and if you like, you can pray for me as well… ?